i hold my face beyond surprising rains
i lie alone
remembering changes
how sudden crystals grew
from water falling
in a cup in a rock
surprising forms
acids in a cup in a rock
receiving lightning
a cup in a rock receiving
lightning
i am here
i lie alone
no one completes me
after lightning
i bide my time
i hold my forms beyond
surprising islands
i lie alone
remembering changes
how grinding ice came down
the slide of earth
rub of rivers
knuckles of trees cracking rocks
receiving ice surprising
cracking rocks receiving ice
a tree of rivers sprang inside
me
i am here
i lie alone
no one completes me
i hold my face beyond
surprising rains
— W.E.R. La Farge
the first thing i’ve felt like sharing in a long time. beautiful.
help out a transwoman
“My local radio station is having this contest, “The Breast Summer Ever” in which the company will fully fund the breast augmentation of the winning woman, on a voting system. I just wanted to bring to your attention that anyone can vote, and one of our own, a transwoman named Avery (#4) has made the top ten, causing a but of controversy in our very conservative city. I think that it would send a very strong message, not to mention make her dream come true if she was to win. But there is no way that she can do it without the help of the community. All you have to do is press a button and your vote is cast. As I’m sure you are all aware, transphobia rates decrease with the ability to pass, and just imagine what this would do to her self esteem. you can vote here”
(via katbamkapow)
I will try.
I will step from the house to see what I see
and hear and I will praise it.
I did not come into the world
to be comforted.
I came, like red bird, to sing.
But I’m not red bird, with his head-mop of flame
and the red triangle of his mouth
full of tongue and whistles,
but a woman whose love has vanished,
who thinks now, too much, of roots
and the dark places
where everything is simply holding on.
But this too, I believe, is a place
where God is keeping watch
until we rise, and step forth again and-
but wait. Be still. Listen!
Is it red bird? Or something
inside myself, singing?
I Will Try by Mary Oliver
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
some recent lessons
taught by india:
carry a smaller bag.
give yourself twice the time you think you need.
it will probably cost more than what you paid for it to send, laminate, stitch, or fix whatever you bought.
if you make friends with nice rickshaw drivers, you will get free rides.
it’s all temporary.
you were the first person to ever write me a song
“the greatest romance in the life of a lyricist is when the right words meet the right notes.”—
yip harburg
<3
the feet of the lord of the universe will come to abide within you
sorry this isn’t formatted beautifully… but you get the idea.
i have been going to guru nanak sat sangh sabha (the only sikh temple that i know of in chennai) very frequently for the past few weeks. i love to be there, just like i love to be in any gurdwara. but what i have been doing these past few weeks, i am loving even more than before.
i have been learning gurbani kirtan, sacred music of the sikhs! this is the first shabad (hymn) i have learned— keerat prabh kee gao maeree rasanaa. the tune isn’t the same, but the text is. the plan is to perform this shabad on friday for the temple’s weekly ladies program! i am absolutely loving making music, & especially in this beautiful & fulfilling new way. it feels very powerful.
<object type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” data=”http://www.sikhnet.com/sites/all/modules/custom/sikhnet_player/sikhnet_player.swf” width=”300” height=”375”>
<param name=”movie” value=”http://www.sikhnet.com/sites/all/modules/custom/sikhnet_player/sikhnet_player.swf” />
<param name=”allowFullScreen” value=”true” />
<param name=”menu” value=”false” />
<param name=”quality” value=”high” />
<param name=”wmode” value=”transparent”>
<param name=”flashvars” value=”isEmbed=true&playlistURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sikhnet.com%2Fnode%2F11074%2Fxspf&embedURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sikhnet.com%2Fsikhnet_player%2Fembed%3FplaylistURL%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.sikhnet.com%2Fnode%2F11074%2Fxspf&languages=guru%2Cen%2Ctran&helpURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sikhnet.com%2Fhelp%2Fgurbani_player” />
<embed src=”http://www.sikhnet.com/sites/all/modules/custom/sikhnet_player/sikhnet_player.swf” flashvars=”isEmbed=true&playlistURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sikhnet.com%2Fnode%2F11074%2Fxspf&embedURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sikhnet.com%2Fsikhnet_player%2Fembed%3FplaylistURL%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.sikhnet.com%2Fnode%2F11074%2Fxspf&languages=guru%2Cen%2Ctran&helpURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sikhnet.com%2Fhelp%2Fgurbani_player” width=”300” height=”375” allowFullScreen=”true” menu=”false” />
</object>
this gurbani player comes from sikhnet, an awesome website with many great features, including a huge library of free kirtan tracks. the player can be customized so that you can read along with a transliterated text— or you can even read it in spanish! it may take a little time to load this, but i hope you listen to the song & read the text. i feel so blessed to be involved in this new part of my journey.
ik onkar!
sat nam waheguru!
ੴ!
now i know the Universe
“i have come to know my own self, & my light has merged into the Light. now i know the Universe, & my mind is satisfied.”
“god’s people have no other work to do; they love god, & they love the Truth.”
— sri guru granth sahib ji
i can say with certainty that, wherever i have been in my journey, i have been consistently offered multiple & beautiful sources of comfort when facing struggle. i am lucky.
some things have always been a comfort. others have developed, usually slowly— i come to love a book, or know a person, or develop a realization.
it’s interesting to look at the last two years: my journey through sikh dharma. two years ago almost exactly, i saw a documentary about hate crimes against sikhs as part of a class on islam. i was touched. i started reading about sikh religion. i came home for spring break. i drove past a sikh temple with my dad on our way to the fairfax UU church. we went inside & were given prasad & a tour of the temple. i came home for summer. i attended a service, then another. i brought friends. i went almost every week to one of the many gurdwaras around my home. i came back to florida; i found a gurdwara there. everytime i came home i returned to the first gurdwara i had visited, on ox road in fairfax. i became interested in devotional chant & then in scripture. i went to work in upstate new york & searched for a gurdwara there; i found one in central square. it turned out to be part of an incredible interfaith ashram. for a month in the fall, i tied a turban every day. i came to india.
these past two years have been filled with more change & pain than i could have ever predicted. so many people, places, things, & realizations were there to guide & comfort me. but through it all— starting with illness, moving through death, divorce, & more death— the beauty & peace of this path has been there. i remember first listening to chanting of the mul mantra & feeling very profoundly like i already knew this mantra, & had known it for a long time. ek onkar sat nam karta purkh nirbhao nirvair akal moorat ajuni saibhang gur prasad: there is one god whose name is Truth, creative being personified, without fear, without hatred, unborn, undying, by the grace of the guru. i remember attending a yoga class in the sanctuary of my church after katie died & hearing the mantra in my head during meditation. everyone around me was absorbed in quiet (or maybe sleep) but all i could hear was this mantra & all i could do was cry. i cried almost every time i listened to kirtan or sat in the sanctuary of a gurdwara (or a church). i started listening to kirtan almost 24 hours a day & i can’t begin to say how much it helped during those weeks after katie died, when all i couldn’t do was be still.
kirtan was immediately a comfort & scripture has become one. i come back to them again & again, & again & again i find peace. i can’t say who is or is not a sikh (including me), but i can say that the wisdom i have touched through this journey has helped me grow in so many ways.
this is one of the first shabads (hymns) i listened to when i was discovering kirtan. i love the words of the kirtani (snatam kaur) at the beginning:
“no power to speak or silence to keep,
no power to rule the mind.
no power to do anything,
it is all in god’s hands.
none is high or low:
only god lifts us up.”
today it is raining. the first real rain i have seen in two months of living in chennai. today i opened my windows for the first time. i don’t have enough words to describe how nice the cool breeze feels! it must be 20 degrees below any daytime temperature i have experienced here, & it is beautiful.
today i realized that i have forgotten some things. mainly i have forgotten how to write an academic paper, because in 51 days of study at university of madras i have not had one written assignment. now, though, the amorphous & indefinite deadline for my amorphous & indefinite hindu philosophy paper is (maybe) approaching. so i am starting, slowly, to write.
today i have been struggling to remember how to write my paper. but i do remember one thing, more so today than in many of the days before. i remember how to make music!
i have had mostly amorphous goals during my time in india. a few were more concrete & have been accomplished— write lots of letters! keep a scrapbook! some were less concrete & i’m not sure where they lie. but today, after 61 days in india, i am articulating a very definite desire— leave india in 66 days, ableto play the harmonium along with the bhajans i know & having learned new bhajans. mainly this involves spending time with the beautiful kirtanis at the gurdwara i’ve been attending, which i will do with pleasure.
“sab gobind hai— as one thread holds hundreds & thousands of beads, he is woven into his creation. see the creation of the lord & reflect on it in your heart.”
